How to Get Hired (or not) at The English Schoolhouse

Disclaimer: I'm in a real Tupac kinda mood.

So there's some stuff that's really been eating at me the last couple of weeks of my existence. In general I can sum it all up into the following: what is wrong with people? Just generally speaking.

I was on Skype this morning at 5 a.m. with my bff in Seattle and her brand spanking new baby, and as I rambled on and on and on about the irritations of the past fourteen days or so I realized that I'd feel a lot better about it all if I typed it all out, 'cause that's what I do. I write and teach. Mostly educational stuff, but I'm no one-trick pony. Oh there's so much more to do and say than just educational musings! But as I am the owner, director, main teacher, and overall boss (to be pronounced BAWSS) of The English Schoolhouse, I think it's only fair and appropriate, given the nonsense I've encountered recently, to write a quick How To Get Hired (or not) Manual for future reference. The teacher in me will try to include as many phrasal verbs and idioms as possible. (I know some of y'all read for practice, others for support).

Here goes:
Potential Candidates...

Do: Show up on time. To the interview. To work. To everything.

Do: Look the part. While I'm a fan of inappropriate tattoos, hair, and "well ya don't see that every day" piercings in general, I don't wanna see 'em in the interview.

Don't: Complain about the pay and how much you coulda shoulda woulda been makin' at blah blah blah's establishment in whatever third world country or the states or here in Italy. There's a reason you're here interviewing. Remember it.

Don't: Ask to nap on the job.

Do: Realize that this is a start-up school, not one of those huge establishments with the billboards advertising ENGLISH FOR ONLY EIGHT EURO AN HOUR with red writing and slashed prices and what not. This ain't the swap meet. It's not la pulga. We don't treat the teachers like they're just another number and we expect the same courtesy in return.

Do: Remember the golden rule. You know, the one you learned (I assume) in Kindergarten. The one about doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Don't: Run off with the school's merchandise.

Do: Let your crazy show in the initial interview. As a general rule, I tend to like quirky people. But there's a difference between quirky and downright bat**** crazy. I'm not looking to employ the latter. I like being pleasantly surprised by employees' actions...not shocked and horrified.

Do: Spell check your freaking CV! (resume) You cannot, I repeat CANNOT submit a resume for serious consideration having misspelled the word "summary" thrice! THRICE!

Do: Only apply if you're serious about teaching. See the difference between what we're doing and what everyone else is doing is that we really do put time, passion, effort, and expertise into it. If you're lookin' to make a quick buck and clock in and clock out, go to the EIGHT EURO AN HOUR SLASHED PRICES school! They hire ANYONE! Bartend! Teach on the internet. I don't care what you do just don't send your CV to me and waste both of our time interviewing!

Do: Install a filter between your brain and your mouth and activate it before speaking. Not everything that is thought needs to be said! When you get sloppy with your words, I get stingy with the job, see?

Don't: Let the youth fool ya. In the words of countless hip hop artists, surely Tupac at some point and most certainly Beyonce, "I may be young but I'm ready." Masters and Doctorate degrees and all that jazz.

This is my dream. This is my school. This is mine. I'd rather employ less and be an army of freaking one (or two or three or four) than have a bunch of slackers on the team weighing everyone else down.

Final recommendation:
Do hit me up/holla at me/get at me (translation for slang: contact me at your earliest convenience) if you are a mother-tongue, qualified, experienced, humble, honest, good hearted (you're working with people, after all) person living in Rome.
Turns out good people can actually be kinda hard to come by. But I know they're out there.

CVs (spell-checked) to info@theenglishschoolhouse.com

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